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Steven Wright Quotes

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"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

"If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?"

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"

"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney."

"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."

"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar.""

"I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes."

"Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."

"Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night."

"I was born by Caesarean section, but you can't really tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window."

"I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, "Hey, maybe I wrote that.""

"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"

"My friend invented Cliff's Notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, "Well, first I... I just... well, to make a long story short...""

"I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering."

"A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here.""

"All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.""

"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it."

"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."

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